Gentle Readers, as I have now been here for
over a month, the time has come to reflect on what I have learned. Months, like
many things that start with “M,” such as mirrors and mud, can be highly
reflective and useful for looking around corners. That being said, I will be reviewing 8 lessons that I have learned. Feel free to jot these down for when you come to visit.
Lesson 2: Look right twice. Sometimes even
though you do look right, there are these buses that have a strange ability to
sneak up on you. My theory is that there is a bus training complex that grooms
giant, double-decker, red buses into giant, double-decker, red, ninja buses.
You wouldn’t guess it from their size and ungainly flat front, but these ninja
buses can appear out of thin air without making any noise. In summary, look
right twice unless you want to be assassinated by a double-decker ninja bus.
Lesson 1: Look right. No matter how insistently the
street visually warns you to look right, sometimes it is not enough to counter 22 years of
looking left. It also doesn’t help that none of the cars on the road have
drivers. Just a passenger. Clearly they should not be moving, but they are. (In case I die by being struck down by a rogue
driver-less car because I didn’t look right, I want a pipe-band at my funeral.)
Lesson 2: Look right twice. Sometimes even
though you do look right, there are these buses that have a strange ability to
sneak up on you. My theory is that there is a bus training complex that grooms
giant, double-decker, red buses into giant, double-decker, red, ninja buses.
You wouldn’t guess it from their size and ungainly flat front, but these ninja
buses can appear out of thin air without making any noise. In summary, look
right twice unless you want to be assassinated by a double-decker ninja bus.
Lesson 3: Not every old lady you see is
Judi Dench.
Lesson 4: Not every old man you see is
Gordon Brown.
Lesson 5: “Pop into the loo” before you
leave anywhere. It can take a long time to make it from Point A to Point B and
this is not a land overflowing with easily accessible public toilets.
Lesson 6: Listening to Beyonce can fix… a
lot of stuff.
Lesson 7: There comes a time when you have
to throw some elbows. Let me set up the scenario for you. Commuter rush hour.
Bond Street Station. You didn’t realize until the last second that this was
your stop. And there is a humid mass of humanity between you and the closing
train doors. Here’s what you do. Grab your bag, clutch it to your chest, yell
“excuse me” in a pseudo-British accent, press forward with your shoulder first,
prying people apart with your elbows (think like a wedge. this is key), mind the gap when you finally tumble out onto the station platform, readjust your shoulder bag/regain your dignity.
Lesson 8: Reading the Morning Metro over somebody's shoulder in the tube is not a good way to stay current on world events. Apart from the obvious difficulties, "ah man. i wasn't finished reading about The Girl Who Eats Bricks," the British don't seem to ever write about anything relevant. Not that it isn't informative and conversation prompting. "No. way. Another rutting stag attack in Bushy Park? That's the third this month. This is becoming an epidemic!" "Oh good. That poor old lady's spaniel came back. It swallowed a conker, apparently. Thank goodness it is alright." You see what I mean? But somehow I can't seem to stop myself doing it.
Lesson 8: Reading the Morning Metro over somebody's shoulder in the tube is not a good way to stay current on world events. Apart from the obvious difficulties, "ah man. i wasn't finished reading about The Girl Who Eats Bricks," the British don't seem to ever write about anything relevant. Not that it isn't informative and conversation prompting. "No. way. Another rutting stag attack in Bushy Park? That's the third this month. This is becoming an epidemic!" "Oh good. That poor old lady's spaniel came back. It swallowed a conker, apparently. Thank goodness it is alright." You see what I mean? But somehow I can't seem to stop myself doing it.
And there you have it. Clear as mud, right?
